Shaken Moyes never stirred

FAREWELL then to the ‘George Lazenby’ of Manchester United managers. ‘Sean Connery’ was truly an impossible act to follow and now United sit back and await their ‘Roger Moore’.
The James Bond analogy was first mentioned to me by a Hull City fan years ago when Fergie was emperor of all he surveyed. The succession was already looking daunting and my friend felt the only way United could avert a repeat of the post-Busby decline would be to hire a patsy to immediately mess up. “So the next guy would have a much easier time of it,” he explained. This week, that is looking pretty prescient.
All it needs now is for Louis van Gaal or someone of his ilk to come in, sort out the team and finish in the top four next season. Indeed, if this happens, clubs, corporations – perhaps even political parties – may adopt ‘Lazenby’ as the modus operandi whenever they have to replace the irreplaceable. But in United’s case, it may not be that simple.
“History never repeats but it sometimes rhymes,” said Mark Twain. And it’s as hard to spot a Roger Moore among the available candidates as it is to see United going 26 years without winning the league. A club, conglomerate, whatever you want to call them, of its size simply cannot allow that to happen again but an instant rebound to glory is not a given either.
The squad needs a complete overhaul and even £200million (RM1.09b) may not be enough to return to the top of the tree. Based on this season’s shambles, five or six stellar players are required – mainly for defence and midfield, but with one striker. Then they have to gel. And there’s the small matter of wages with Wayne Rooney, as all the world and every agent knows, coining £300,000 (RM1.64m) a week. If that was David Moyes’ legacy, it’s a costly one.
United like to think their manager’s job carries a certain cachet, demanding style, statesmanship and charisma. On the field, it demands star quality, that youth be given a chance and the football has a certain élan. Managing United is not an easy job but nor is it any longer one that others will drop everything to do: the two prime candidates have already ruled themselves out.
But there are people out there – Van Gaal and Carlo Ancelotti are two – who would surely not find it as overwhelming as Moyes clearly did. And thanks to him, they would no longer be following Fergie. Any improvement on seventh would do for a start and with a sizable kitty that should be manageable.
Moyes, like Lazenby and Wilf McGuinness, never stood a chance. The mistakes began before he’d even started. The way he was simply “told” by Fergie that he had it, no interview, no process by which someone else might have spotted that he was not the man were not the way a global enterprise with 660 million followers anoints its emperor.
There was no conclave of wise men - not even the owners; no vote, no white smoke – just a hasty summons to Fergie’s house and the colour draining from the face of a shaken, jean-clad Moyes when told. Refusal, it seems, was not an option.
And then there was the delay in starting, the cull of Fergie’s backroom staff in a doomed attempt to be his own man followed by the whinge when the fixtures gave him a difficult start. Before he’d even set eyes on Miss Moneypenny, you could see this was not 007.
And it went downhill from there. Indeed, it is hard to think of anything Moyes got right. After careful scrutiny, only the promotion of Adnan Januzaj earns any marks but even he was not best used. He never did have the dressing room, no one to this day knew what style of play he was trying for or even what formation. He showed ineptitude in the transfer market, naivety in negotiating terms and the players didn’t like his training methods. The one moment he had a glimmer – when Patrice Evra scored that belter in Munich – lasted just 22 seconds.
It is sad for a decent man who tried hard, perhaps too hard, that whatever happens now, he’ll always be remembered as the one who messed up after Fergie. He will join the unfortunate few like Steve McLaren, who will always be remembered for umbrellas just as Graham Taylor is known for turnips and two fellow United fall-guys, McGuinness, who went white overnight, and Frank O’Farrell who disappeared with little trace. Moyes deserves better and hopefully he will be able to at least partly restore his reputation at some lesser club.
That United were right to sack him there can be no question although it could have been handled better. After Marouane Fellaini and Juan Mata there was no way he was going to be trusted with a sizable slice of the Glazer fortune – and things were getting worse not better.
The players, as we’ve learned this week, were making fun of him. For a manager to be seen reading a self-improvement book entitled Good to Great, as Moyes was on the plane back from the Olympiakos defeat, is a toe-curler too many. Out of his depth? He was a modest swimmer who found himself alongside Jacques Cousteau.
United cannot afford another wrong choice and the field is not as strong as they would like. Van Gaal is the odds-on favourite but unless some arrangement can be made with the Dutch FA, he won’t be available until mid-July. Moyes started on July 1 and was already too late. If the Netherlands go deep in the World Cup, he’s not going to be thinking about United.
It has been suggested that Roy Keane could be his No.2 which is rather like having a bad cop and a gang leader in charge. Surely one of Rene Meulensteen, Mike Phelan or Carlos Queiroz could be worth a recall to show the new man around. Besides the team, he has a rookie as a boss and still the spectre of Fergie looking down.
Jurgen Klopp would be the best fit and ticks almost every box. He has charisma, speaks good English, promotes youth, his teams play with flair and has won things but not too many. At 46, he is young enough and still has the hunger. He has declared his loyalty to Borussia Dortmund but you feel United should try again. As Moyes found with Fergie, refusal should not be an option. After all, if they can pay Rooney £300,000 a week…
Whoever United decide upon, the new man may not be a Roger Moore but at least he’ll have a better chance thanks to having done ‘a Lazenby’. But with all that United put behind Moyes – from the Chosen One banner to the Rooney salary, it certainly wasn’t the plan.