About love

MANY claim that Valentine’s Day has become somewhat too commercialised. No doubt prices of flowers, cards and chocolates double or triple while restaurants get creative with their “romantic” menus that dole out “not-so-romantic” bills.
Nevertheless, the day to celebrate love and your loved ones remains an annual affair to express one’s love and appreciation. With that, theSun’s Sheera Salim does some probing and discovers a study on this “complex thing called love”.
In 1970, psychologist Arthur Aron conducted an experiment to foster closer bonds among freshmen in a university. Months later, two of his subjects found love and ended up walking down the aisle to exchange marriage vows. How does a scientist, a practitioner of logical actions and systematic activities delve on a subject that is so mystifying and unexplainable as love?
INSTANT AFFECTION
Earlier last year, writer and university lecturer Mandy Len Catron garnered mass attention when her article was published in the international daily New York Times. The title of her feature – “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This”.
The piece was written after Catron’s devastating heartbreak. Frustrated and disappointed, she turned to science to better understand love and stumbled upon Aron’s 20-year-old study. As sceptical as she was, she tried the test on an acquaintance she rarely met, to which the results were more than interesting.
Aron’s study, “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings” revolves around the concept of reciprocal self-disclosure. In short, it requires a pair of strangers taking turns to answer 36 questions ending with a four-minute caveat of staring into each other eyes.
In a nutshell, it is the vulnerability and openness of each situation that coaxes both parties to experience an exhilarating tug and pull, to encounter a connection as they discover and learn new things about each other.
In that sense, the questions are curated to seem genuine and interesting enough for both parties to willingly participate and reflect, both individually and together.
The 36 questions are broken down into three separate sets. It starts off with simple and straight forward ice breakers and gradually intensifies to more complex ones, touching on areas that opens up past memories of families, feelings and thoughts, all of which may take up years to discover, in a regular relationship.
TOUGH LOVE
Interestingly enough, the whole idea of the study enforces voluntary mutual susceptibility, trust and openness. Despite popular belief, many who have tried the test, placed exceedingly high expectations, believing that they would be able to find their other half through a scientific method. After all, if love is not as manipulative and easily accessible as in Aron’s study, wouldn’t it be easier by now for the world to be a much better place?
According to Aron, it is unlikely that the procedure produces loyalty, dependence, commitment or other relationship aspects that typically take years to develop. In fact, the goal of the procedure was merely to establish a temporary feeling of closeness and not an actual ongoing relationship.
The concept of the study might seem to be blown out of proportion with its sure fire method to find love or friendship in a span of an hour or so. Of course, the finale of staring into someone else’s eyes is clearly intimidating, if not provoking, further justifying the saying, “the eyes are the window to the soul”.
So, the question now is, how does it apply to the rest of us? Can we use it on every day strangers we come across? The answer is yes … and no.
HONESTY, SINCERITY & AMITY
In Aron’s study, students were paired with strangers they felt they could connect the most with, via a simple questionnaire given them beforehand. It is said that this pre-questionnaire helped with the pleasant outcome of the study.
To sum things up briefly, the study itself is not limited to couples or those wanting to be part of one. It is highly applicable to friends and even families, as it is intended to bring people closer, as love in its own sense and complexity is subjective and can be interpreted in many ways.
In Catron’s case, she did mention that she is still attached to her accidental partner. Still, she reminded others on their quest to find love that to fall in love is the easiest part, but staying in a relationship is most difficult. It does not just happen out of thin air and requires mutual, conscious decisions to do so.
This Valentine’s Day, while being wined and dined via the classic lunch or dinner date, why not consider trying this test to rekindle the passion? Even better, try it out with friends and family ... who knows, youmight just find out things you never knew about people closest to you or on the other hand, ignite the flame of love. Do remember however, that it is important to be honest in your answers.
For those determined and curious enough to try this out with that someone they have in mind while reading this article, follow Catron and go for it.
SOME OF THE 36 QUESTIONS
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "we are both in this room feeling..."
26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save anyone item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Final task: Stare into your partner eyes for four minutes. Don’t cheat!