The A to Z of English - Creative use of quirks

ENGLISH as a language has its share of quirks. Some people tend to pick it up better than the rest given their obsessive-compulsive need to see error-free sentences. They are often referred to as the "Grammar Nazis". These guys are also quick with play of words and puns and it might take you a second look or reading to be able to pick up the trick.
I remember with vivid recollection an occasion decades ago when I was juggling two jobs with meals on the go and I had to attend an evening event for which I thought a hair-do would make me look at least presentable.
I strode into a salon and my regular hair-stylist looked up wearing the usual smile on her smooth face and I blurted out, "I need a quick blow job," and after the last word popped out, I realised the blunder, I wanted a blow-dry for my hair and the hairstylist looked like she had seen a ghost. And I swear there was no pun intended. By the way, "the pun, also called paronomasia, is a form of word play that suggests two or more meanings, by exploiting multiple meanings of words, or of similar-sounding words, for an intended humorous or rhetorical effect".
Suffice to say, after the blooper I faked the regular look and the rest of the evening rolled off in pretence but each time I think of that moment, I cringe in shameful guilt and a smile plays up wilfully on my lips.
There are times we say things in zest and in a hurry only realising much later the implied meaning that is behind the gloss. Very often they appear tongue-in-cheek and are hilarious, if you are game for a good laugh.
A boy trying to woo a girl hands over a note to the girl with the words, "your pretty" instead of , "you're pretty". The blunder sees the girl whisk herself away from the scene, leaving the boy in tenter-hooks.
"Your" is a possessive noun indicating ownership, it should have been "you're", a contraction for "you are".
I am sure all of us are typochondriacs to some extent, compulsively checking and rechecking our writing out of fear of publishing typos online.
And then there are those who get into the grey matter on grammar. Arguments on grammar may not see daylight as it is as fierce as those over Coke or Pepsi or boxers versus briefs.
The point is, incorrect grammar can cause loads of confusion and English is indeed a bizarre language due to the multitude of rules and exceptions. Just when you thought you have got it right, someone slams you with a ticket for making a mistake.
Inconsistencies are too widespread to keep tabs on. Prepositions are probably the most creatively used words with contextual meaning swinging between Mars and Pluto.
The innocent preposition "on" for example can be thrown into any position to give it a new meaning each time: we sit on the bench and we could be on a topic in discussion or we could be chiding someone with a "come-on" or someone could come on to you as a pleasant person or turn you on with a suggestive remark.
Just as well, the preposition "up" could be used in a multitude of contexts.
Simply, standing up is juxtaposed with waking up, an issue coming up, or allowing someone to speak up and calling up someone you have not spoken to for a long time.
The husband's face can light up on seeing his wife all dressed up. But then, we could be having people stirring up an issue or two. It could be from a mix up but that mess can be cleaned up with thoughtful deliberation.
And did you hear about this guy who got sacked from a calendar factory for taking a day off, and the guy who got hit with a can of cola escaping unhurt because it was a soft drink?
Eddie was on a seafood diet and he amassed lots of calories because every time he sees food he wants to eat.
So much for fun with puns and since today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, enjoy this day while it lasts.
Happy Labour Day!
The writer holds a PhD from a local public university and believes that the Malaysian education system will reach greater heights with a strong antidote to revolutionise just about everything if you like. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com