‘Party-poopers’ need new life and soul

IT WAS A typical holiday weekend – a bit of a damp squib and it wasn't just the weather. When the world waited for a fairytale ending at the Theatre of Dreams all we got was a drab draw; while the anticipated Storming of the Bastille at the Emirates was typical Arsenal – tame and, as Gary Lineker put it, "non-league".
Elsewhere, the Premier League's last candidates for European glory ended up getting respectively thrashed by Swansea and Southampton. And poor old Jose Mourinho is still unsure where his next £10 million contract is coming from.
But for football fans, it was no more than a pause between courses during this season's mouthwatering feast. And by now, Leicester will be champions if Spurs have failed to beat Chelsea overnight but that is not how they would have wanted to seal it.
So what of the party-poopers themselves? Delaying the inevitable was Louis van Gaal's (caricature) mission on Sunday but, after a bright start, the lacklustre way it was achieved surely convinced the Manchester United hierarchy that any more of this and they'll be selling season tickets as insomnia packages.
Even if he wins the FA Cup (likely) and scrapes into the top four (unlikely), the dourness of his football makes the Special One look like Kevin Keegan.
Claiming the old pot would count for little if he were to miss out on the Champions League, as would the blooding of youngsters, which has been down more to necessity than any affinity with the Boy Scouts. Indeed, we may never have heard of Marcus Rashford had Anthony Martial not been injured in the warm-up against Midtjylland.
United's fear that Rashford, Timothy Fosu-Mensah & Co would be banished to feeder clubs by Mourinho and never heard of again is one reason for their hesitation in appointing him; the other is his football. But the Portuguese is no fool and wants the job so badly that he has promised to change his ways – at least his alleged six-page letter said so.
The tiresome contrariness of these reports suggests that no one really knows – not even the board who are desperate to have a big name to counter Pep Guardiola's impending arrival on the other side of town. As the only superboss available, Mourinho remains a 1-4 favourite with the bookies.
Paramount for the Glazers is the "brand" and even if Mourinho's football is prosaic, the man himself is anything but. To owners seeking to market "a product", his charismatic salesmanship would more than make up for defending in depth and holding on to 1-0 leads. To the rest of us, it would certainly be more fun than seeing a sedentary Dutchman scribbling his excuses.
With Mauricio Pochettino staying at Spurs and Ryan Giggs unwanted by 80% of respondents in a Manchester Evening News poll, Mourinho really is the only show in town. But he faces a major reconstruction job.
Big-time flops Bastian Schweinsteiger and Memphis Depay will be first out of the door but Michael Carrick, Ashley Young, Phil Jones, Ander Herrera and Marcos Rojo won't be far behind.
Marouane Fellaini? The Belgian is becoming an increasing liability who seems to think elbows are a legitimate weapon. The Stretford End told him what they thought.
In contrast, the thinking man's midfielder Juan Mata is a popular figure but has never cut it with the Portuguese who is likely to sell him for a second time.
Although a fan of Wayne Rooney's, the ex-Chelsea boss cannot have been impressed by his showing against Leicester. Talk of the England skipper spending the autumn of his career as a Ginger Pirlo may be wishful thinking – he tried it earlier in the season and got nowhere. And Mourinho always saw him as a striker anyway.
If Van Gaal stays and there's no improvement, there could be riots by Christmas. The club is unrecognisable from the Fergie era having lost much more than its mojo. The Dutchman does not click with either players or fans and has revealed an alarming ignorance of the English game.
In contrast to Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool, he simply doesn't get what Manchester United are about.
Mourinho does and is the only available candidate who would not be daunted by the size of the restoration job – but it might take him more than two seasons.
After Saturday, the chances of the status quo being maintained in north London were boosted by the puny protests calling for Arsene Wenger's head. It will demonstrate to the Arsenal board that far from a French Revolution, all they were facing was a bit of civil disobedience and the polite sort at that.
So the Gunners are likely to carry on playing pretty football, fleecing fans, making handsome profits but firing blanks. But if no big name signings are made this summer, they can expect protests in the autumn and this time they may not be so polite.
As for Manchester City and Liverpool, stronger squads will go into battle against Spanish opposition but with or without Cristiano Ronaldo, Real Madrid may just be too tough a nut to crack at the Bernabeu. Liverpool will rely on their "extra man" at Anfield to get past a decent Villareal side. A big week in Europe should remove the disappointments of last weekend.