Citizen Nades - Lunatics at the gates

START getting worried – really worried. The lunatics are at the gates – baying for blood from concrete, plastic, styrofoam and anything solid. Even gel and jelly (if hardened and upright) may not be spared, depending on the moods of the aggressors. Lock up the children.

If you have heard of squeezing water from the proverbial stone, someone has tried it and succeeded. The result is that the readings of the water have been interpreted to mean that it is wrong to produce, possess or display statues of living creatures such as humans or animals.

The president of the Malaysian Association of Accredited Taxidermists said this did not come as a surprise. "We knew it was coming because there's no security at the asylum, the doors are not locked and the gatekeepers have been sleeping on the job."

The Souvenir Shops Guild of Malaysia echoed similar sentiments. "Malaysians deserve this. Many years ago, we told the authorities of these mentally-skewed-the-wrong-way people who are trying to ruin our business. Now that they have been let loose, they have become uncontrollable."

What does this mean to the Joe Public like you and me? This means the nice porcelain pieces of art which we had collected over the years during our travels will have to go – your favourite cat, dog or even the parrot which cannot talk! Out go the rubber snake which we used to play pranks; the miniature dragons which spewed no fire and even the little green frog which forms part of the decoration in the aquarium.

Hey boys! You can't collect toys of your superheroes like Batman or Spiderman. Big brother is coming after you. And girls who collect Barbie dolls, your mind can get confused by playing with them! And boys, they say that you should not go near these figurines of women because they can "cause moral decay".

Those selling statues online, beware. Your site is going to be blocked by the step-brother of Big Brother, who believes only he has the right to know which website you have access to. So, in accordance with the wishes of Big Brother, you are hereby forbidden to sell anything to anyone.

To our filmmakers who want to make it big on the international scene, forget about collecting or even touching an Oscar. The statuettes are illegal. The younger brothers at the country's entry points will ensure that such objects of art will not corrupt the minds of our young people. Sorry, you cannot show off your triumph in a ticker-tape parade.

Wow! Several shops at Central Market in Kuala Lumpur will have to put out a notice to announce their closure to comply with the diktat. Elsewhere, laboratories in our universities and colleges will have to empty their cupboards of dummies and other student aids which may be deemed illegal. Hurry up, the turban-wearing dean with the flowing robes is already on the way up.

Now, the bad news is that Big Brother will have to send his demolition crew to Sabah and Sarawak. With the latter squabbling over more jobs for locals, will the mob get the job to demolish the Cat Museum in Kuching?

In this building, there are four galleries containing over 4,000 artefacts including paintings, statues, stuffed specimens and memorials related to cats. Exhibits include a mummified cat from ancient Egypt, a gallery of feline-related advertising, and the five species of wild cats found in the state. One section of the museum is dedicated to the five species of wild cats found in Borneo. In fact, the museum claims it has the only mounted specimen of the world's rarest cat – the Felis badia. Fire up the incinerator at the nearest crematorium. It's time for them to burn in hell!

Bring on the drills and sledgehammers across the high seas. Sabah's infamous sculptures on the roundabouts will have to go. In Kuala Penyu, there're statues of turtles – four of them. There are three large prawns in Kunak. In Sandakan, there's a statue of a standing croc welcoming people and in Kota Kinabalu, there's a giant marlin statue.

At the golf club in Johor, the stuffed toman with a golf ball in its mouth must be kept out of view of the marauding eyes of the "hit squad". It must be saved for posterity for it is the first time a fish mistook a golf ball for a good meal!

The latest we hear is that Tourism Malaysia, on being alerted on the latest developments, has asked inbound operators to launch a new campaign: "How to squeeze water from stone to get atoned for your sins." Response to date, it has been reported, has been encouraging.

Many countries want to send directors of their sanctuaries for madcap persons on a lawatan-sambil-belajar to Malaysia, to which one of our ministers quipped: "You lose some, you win some."

R. Nadeswaran is not pretending to be a raging lunatic, but sometimes we have to laugh at ourselves and fellow countrymen who come out with the freakiest statements. Comments: citizen-