Q: I am divorced and have joint custody of my daughter. When she came to my home last weekend she told me that my ex-wife has been making critical and unkind statements about me. What is the best way to handle this situation?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: First, you should try to ascertain whether your ex-wife said those things. Children are capable of exaggerating or even making up stories, especially if they have some kind of vested interest in pitting mum and dad against one another. Do not jump to conclusions.
Your knowledge of your child’s and your ex-wife’s personalities is a good place to begin your assessment. If you are convinced that inappropriate comments are being made, let your daughter know that you plan to discuss it directly with your former wife.
This will give you a chance to communicate your motives for taking action and the way you plan to deal with the problem.
For example, you may tell your daughter: “You mentioned some negative things that your mother has said about me. I think it is important to our family that we put a stop to this kind of talk, so I am going to speak to your mum and try to agree about what we will and will not say about each other. If we have issues with each other, I want to resolve them without bringing you into it.”
Finally, contact your ex-wife and ask if she is willing to support such a plan. Whatever the response, you can still make up your mind not to retaliate by launching verbal counterattacks.
This is not to say that you should “candy coat” your ex-wife’s flaws for the sake of your child.
When you have legitimate concerns, you should voice them but you should also do your best to maintain an attitude of respect. Hopefully, your child will see that your actions speak louder than your ex-spouse’s words.
Q: My husband is a great dad but he lacks confidence. How can I help him understand how important he is in our children’s lives?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: It may help him to know that his every day “dad skills” are not insignificant stuff – to your children, these are nothing short of superpowers. These skills include:
-> Observation: While this may not sound impressive, it carries a lot of weight. It is incredibly meaningful when dads take note of their children’s words and actions, and articulate those verbally. It means dad is trying to understand their world.
-> Building: Fathers can engage in physical and verbal construction. Even if they are not adept at physical construction, they can still create with Legos or explore instructional videos for joint experiments. While not all dads feel confident in physically building things, every dad can develop verbal-building skills.
Families thrive on supportive words. Whether spoken, texted or written, messages of love and encouragement to your children can make a world of difference.
-> Listening: Children yearn to be heard. When a dad truly listens, a child feels important and loved. Listening shows that you care about the person who is talking.
-> Teaching: The three superpowers above will help unlock this one. There are so many things a dad can teach – from life skills to sports and cooking. The key to teaching is having a strong bond with your child.
-> Strength: Dads can display physical strength in fun ways, such as roughhousing, biking or engaging in sports. Strength of character can help dads communicate and instil values such as optimism, curiosity and hope.
Your husband may not realise it yet but his superpowers are waiting to be unleashed.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
